Coping with Fertility Struggles During the Holidays: Support and Strategies
The holiday season can bring up a complicated mix of feelings and experiences for all of us. If you are trying to conceive (TTC), this time of year can be particularly challenging. Increased gatherings with friends and family can mean extra social support but it can also bring up more questions. Even the most well intentioned person can make insensitive comments that negatively impact your experience.
Why the Holidays Can Be Hard for Those Struggling with Fertility
“At least you can drink now”
“Your turn will come”
“Everything happens for a reason”
“Ugh, you’re lucky honestly, I am so stressed with my kids right now”
I am not saying that these comments are inherently bad. Our loved ones do not want us to suffer. But sometimes in their attempts to 1) avoid painful feelings within themselves and 2) make us “feel better”, we can feel invalidated, shut down, and isolated in our experience. These comments can cut extra deep if you’ve experienced a pregnancy loss.
Queer and Trying to Conceive (QTTC)
For BIPOC and LGBTQ folks that are trying to conceive through pregnancy using medical intervention and/or donor gametes, the entire TTC process can be rife with additional experiences of systemic invalidation and harm. From medical racism, fatphobia, heteronormativity, cisgender-normativity, and classism - there is a lot to be angry about!
Of course, there are also wins along the QTTC way. Given how full of barriers the process can be, finding your donor, getting something miraculously approved through insurance, completing an egg retrieval, or finally finding an affirming medical provider can feel like huge, relieving wins. There can be a lot to be excited about! Sometimes friends and families unfamiliar with this process can inadvertently minimize these wins when they solely focus on pregnancy or a baby.
The additional stressors, harmful experiences and your reactions to them, are valid. You deserve a space to feel them, feel seen, and process your experiences on your QTTC journey.
Strategies for Coping During the Holidays
Here are some tips to avoid crashing out at this year’s holiday gathering:
Self-Care Practices to Help You Stay Grounded
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is simply open, curious, non-judgemental awareness. It is a skill to be practiced (not perfected) that can help you more effectively notice what is going on in and around you.
This contact with the present moment is crucial for acknowledging emotions and identifying needs.
Being present also allows us to be open and available for moments of joy, pleasure, or gratitude, no matter how fleeting they might be.
Some ways to practice mindfulness:
A big part of the holidays is the food! This makes it the perfect time to practice mindful eating/drinking. Next time you have your favorite seasonal latte or take a bite of that one dish that you only eat this time of year, savor it. Savoring can be as simple as noting:
What does it look like?
What color and texture can you notice?
How does it smell?
Can you hear any sounds from it? (e.g., clinking ice, sizzling, or rustling paper).
What temperature does it feel like on your hands or tongue?
What textures do you notice when it first touches your lips?
Hold the bite or sip in your mouth for a second - what does it taste like?
What is the temperature and texture?
As you chew and/or swallow, how does it feel?
After you’ve swallowed, what tastes do you notice linger?
Can you notice any temperature change down your throat, chest, and into your stomach?
Listen to a guided meditation that helps you practice acceptance of whatever you might be feeling at this moment. Acceptance of emotions is not the same as resigning or surrendering, it simply means acknowledging your feelings without judgement. This practice can actually let the feeling pass and help us to more effectively engage in the behaviors that are aligned with our values rather than feeling controlled by our emotions. There are tons of free guided meditations available on YouTube or websites like Insight Timer.
Notice and name thoughts through journaling or simply writing them down. This practice can help externalize our thoughts and increase our awareness of what we are thinking. Practice writing or reading your thoughts as a complete sentence like, “I am having the thought that I am a failure” or “I notice I am thinking I might never get pregnant.” This language trick is small but mighty. Instead of “I’m a failure” or “I will never get pregnant”, the addition of “I’m having the thought that…” creates some distance between you and your thoughts. A thought is… just that. Just because we think it does not mean it’s true. Thoughts are a natural function of our brains. When we practice stepping back from thoughts and seeing them as thoughts (linguistic events) rather than objective commands or facts, it frees us to do the things that matter to us most.
Do what matters (to YOU)
Use your skills in open, curious, and nonjudgemental awareness to connect with your needs and your values so that you can prioritize and be intentional with your time this holiday season. Let your values guide your prioritization like a compass.
Remember you have free will! Traditions can bring feelings of comfort and nostalgia and sometimes also bring up feelings of stuckness, like we’re going through the motions, realizations about how we might have grown out of old customs, or harmful family dynamics. The holidays are optional! While this may not feel true to many of us in BIPOC families, this is your chance to create rituals that actually feel good to you right now. Start small, maybe it’s baking a batch of cookies with a friend or walking through your neighborhood and taking in the holiday lights with your partner. Adding on connections and events that feel good just for you might even make attending the obligatory family event feel a little lighter because you are balancing your needs rather than only attending to the needs of others.
Stay Connected
Getting stuck on feelings of anxiety, shame, and overwhelm can often lead to isolating behaviors. If you tend to isolate and avoid people when you are struggling with these emotions, the antidote might actually be to seek connection!
The QTTC journey can feel lonely. You are not alone. Seek a close friend or family member that you feel is validating and supportive to lean on during this time. If you feel like you don’t have this in your life, I encourage you to look for online communities. Places like discord, facebook, and reddit all have groups dedicated to QTTC communities around the world. Some in larger cities even organize in person meet ups and gatherings.
Social connection is critical to our thriving. If you’d like more formal support and to learn evidenced based skills and strategies for navigating this time in a group setting. Check out an upcoming QTTC therapy group.
Specialized Therapy Can Help
The overlap of trying to conceive and the holiday season can be a wild ride full of ups and downs. I hope you take some time for yourself. Reconnect with the big picture ‘why’ you are even on this journey of family building. Being present, open, and doing what matters to you are core principles to living a meaningful life on your terms. Breaking family cycles and building the queer family of your dreams is an incredible privilege and you deserve all the love and support along the way.
Dr. Lauren Wiklund is a licensed clinical psychologist serving folks in 40+ PSYPACT states. Schedule a free consultation today to see how specialized therapy services in fertility and reproductive health can support you.
